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12:44 AM


i miss making kwento in this blog!

(now, i'm pretty sure that phrase will hurt the ears of many people... assuming that there are still people who are unfortunate enough to stumble in this blog of mine.)

it's been a long while since i was last here. if i remember correctly, i left this blog june last year and transferred to livejournal because of the perks of privacy and unrestricted downloading it allowed me. i can't say i was really happy or sad with that decision. it just happened. i can't say i regretted leaving this blog for livejournal because i felt that it had to happen... somehow. i do find the fact that i left this blog after making 555 posts in here rather amazing. (no, that wasn't intentional.) and if you'd ask me why, i'd be compelled to expose my geeky side, but who cares? according to numerology, 555 means change. if you can't find the connection i'm trying to draw out, go look for your brain first.

ah. i miss this freedom of speech. this feels so... me. but before i even end up being charged with libel or whatnot, i'll keep a check on this frank and tactless way of putting things. hahaha.

i missed this blog despite its clear lack of aesthetic design. this is the blog which started it all for me, and i guess i will always have an attachment for everything that bears great meaning for me. this is the blog where i poured out all my raw and honest emotions, pure intellectual musings, and random thoughts without even giving a single damn about what crap anyone might say about them. *smirks*

i remember being bashed for my thoughts before, but yeah. i just ignored them and carried on with my musings. i couldn't do that with my other blogs. all the conformity and fitting in is probably what suffocated me the most and here is where i feel most at home when it comes to sharing my thoughts. yeah, yeah. i am and will always be a non-conformist. fads creep the hell out of me, though i can tolerate them to some extent. i don't really like it when society defines how things are for me because i am very much capable of understanding and making sense out of things from my own subjective little way.

when it comes down to it, this blog served as my best non-living friend for almost four years. it endured my numerous moments of childishness and stupidity, my never ending bouts of rants, my nose-bleed inducing reflections, my artworks and what have you. thank you, my dear bravejournal. <3

speaking of raw of honest thoughts and emotions, the past year was very unkind towards me. it spared me no mercy when it comes to feeling emotions, except for a time when my grades were soaring high, i wish the happiness it brought me lasted forever. but as i said regarding the moving of journals, i just feel that it was meant to happen. there is just one question bugging me endlessly, and that would be, "why?"

unlike computers and internet sites (which served as my companion throughout childhood), people are more complex and unpredictable. (and i talk as if i am not a human. haha.) i can't even begin to explain everything that happened thus far, neither can i begin to imagine what might happen in the future. all i know is that i'm always clinging on to uncertainties, conveniently called hope, and praying for miracles to happen each day; for things to go smoothly and for the day to become better than the last one.

true enough, what i predicted a few months ago about my last year in college became true.

"Personally, I feel that the journey has just begun and much more will happen during our 4th and last year as CA students. Much more will happen most especially for me since I'm a Pandora's box that's just been opened." march 20, 2009, link

i guess those things are beyond my comprehension, and being the rational creature that i am, i can't even begin to make sense of everything that has happened. i was so used to being on my own and not minding other people that when the time came that i had to stop being 'on my own', i just didn't know what to do. i am a wallflower personified.

nonetheless, i'm completely grateful for everything that has happened because i think i am gaining something really worth all those rough times. and before things begin to change once again, let me have this opportunity to say thank you very very much. you probably don't know how much i appreciate everything because i tend to show the opposite of what i truly feel, but i really do. and i don't even know why i do that. i haven't been honest with myself lately. and... there's so much to say that i don't even know what to say anymore so i'll leave it at that for now. i hope you know who you are. c:  

aaah, my insomniac tendencies are beginning to kick in once more. lol.  i better sleep. tonight is christmas eve already! a very merry christmas to all!

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6:06 PM

space & time

i've been warped into a thinking state once again. just beyond the interesting things that mysteries occurring in earth such as the bermuda triangle, atlantis and such have intrigued me, i've rekindled with a long-time fascination which i had since i was a mere child. this is the same reason why i look up to einstein very much.

up until this day, i've always wondered how the universe exactly works but i never got a clear answer, unfortunately, nor did anyone else.

well, this is merely an introduction to a very interesting article i found over the internet, which kept me puzzled from nearly four hours ago until now. but then again, to say that this is interesting might not be exactly applicable to most people, whose patience, i think, would walk out of them from reading the first few paragraphs. even with this, einstein's theory of relativity is at work. haha.

what i pondered most about was time and how it interacts in space with gravity and mass. in other words, i was greatly thinking about the applications of einstein's E=MC² to earth science.

it has been noted that this scenario is quite unlikely to happen because we are in earth, and thus bound by its inescapable gravitational pull. but reading that reminded me of masi oka's power in "heroes"--controlling/stopping time. comparing this to time travel, i find that "stopping" time is a much more plausible occurrence at this point of time, even though its possibility has been ruled out due to the many physics rules it disregards.

but hypothetically, if it was possible, if one travels at the speed of light, naturally there'd be a change in the time's pace. time for the person traveling would pass by at an incredible speed, and given that situation, he'd be traveling or perhaps existing at an entirely different pace of time. in his point of view, since he is traveling at a great speed, everyone around him would seem to "stop" since time for them, compared to his, would be traveling at an incredibly slow pace. therefore, it would seem that they have stopped, or rather it would seem that he has stopped time. in this situation, the person traveling at such speed would have transcended earth time.

coming from the other point of view, for the people who are still existing in earth time, the person traveling at light speed would seem to have "disappeared" since he is traveling at an incredibly fast pace, that his presence just eludes these people's sight.

now, regarding time travel as everyone knows it, i still don't think it's possible to achieve. my understanding of this topic has not reached that level as of yet. given the same situation as previously mentioned, the person traveling at light speed, in people existing in earth time's point of view, would naturally think he went into the future. but for the person traveling, would it not be just him reaching future at a quicker pace than the rest? and since the person traveling now exist in an entirely different world with a different pace of time, these two worlds really cannot be combined, actually. *hence people who seem to have their own pace in doing things are likely to be called people who live "in their own world", right?

as for traveling back in time, my belief about its impossibility remains the same as before, and the reason for this, i have written in some back entry dating sometime in 2005. (uh, i'll look for it later.)

another thing i'd like to point out is the relation of mass and gravity to time. i have known for quite some time now that the mass of an object dictates its gravity. a very good example i found, to which this can be likened to, is how a ball can make a dent on a flat blanket which is being pulled on all sides. if you throw a marble on the blanket, it would immediately go towards the ball because of the dent it makes. this "dent", which mass creates, not only creates a force we call gravity, but warps time as well. by warp, i mean to say that it slows time because of its curvature. just like traveling, it is much faster to travel on a smooth plain than on a curved one.

this sparked a thought in my head, and i begun to wonder that "time" on other planets can actually be different than earth time. say for example, jupiter. with jupiter's great mass, it undoubtedly creates a larger dent in space-time than earth does, resulting in a greater gravitational pull and a slower time. perhaps neutron stars as well, since they are 1 to 2 times more massive than the sun and are terribly smaller than pluto in diameter. because of their mass, time in neutron stars probably pass at an extremely slow pace, which i think, balances out its great rotation speed of 1 rotation per second for particularly aged ones. when i think of neutron stars, i think of a steep U shape regarding its dent on space-time.


ah, shabisugiru deshita. i talked too much... O_o
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2:31 AM


ah, jam tagged me. hahaha. i'll get to answering that later. XP

yesterday was, hmm, yet another day. haha. but seriously, yesterday i was in another wake at the same place where lola honey's was held. so not nice. this time it's lolo's cousin/the father of the retired abs-cbn executive with whom i was acquainted with way back in fourth year. i mentioned him here too 2 years ago. ~_~ anyway, lolo's cousin was someone i did not know though, but it seems camille and goldie had met him before. (why is that?!)

lolo bonding was there too with tita jane. and i swear, every time i see him, i feel so sad because i remember lolo due to their utter likeness. somehow, i always feel nostalgic and end up in near-tears. ~_~

and, seriously... just seriously, i don't want to go back to that place for a veeery long time from now. sunod-sunod eh. di maganda sa pakiramdam. twice in two weeks; thrice within this summer. hate it.

after that though, we had a little "despidida" party at iceberg timog for tito andre, although we never really did this before since he works abroad as a geologist and him leaving the country twice or thrice a year has become normal for us. a nice consolation to the previous event? un. but this made me start hating food once again. haha. even though i currently have this urge to cook something.

anyway... on to the meme.

*right click, view image for a larger view.
&;;1 &;;2  &;;3
&;;4 &;;5 &;;6
&;;7 &;;8 &;;9
&;;10 &;;11 &;;12
&;;13 &;;14

ah, choosing pictures is really hard. i want to put a lot but then again, it'd take up so much space. so here's my explanation for each of the pictures.

1. i really like this hair the most. haha. i want to have my hair like that again, but right now, i want to try something new so... maybe some other time.
2. family. family isn't complete for me unless all the relatives from my father's side are all there. :D
3. something candid i found in my pictures folder. taken last year during tita cacar's birthday. i was actually talking with camille & goldie's friend there. XP
4. new year 2006-2007... the "tres marias" in lolo's bathroom taking vanity shots. hahaha. wackyness level during that time: 5... mababa pa, hahaha.
5. grade school picture. grabe, ang tagal na... it makes me feel nostalgic all of a sudden.
6. <333 the HS building & field... miss ko na 'to. last time i went there, di ako pinapasok ng guard. O_o;;
7. a picture i found in one of the folders. this was during dani's birthday, 4th year. that's the triple quadruple v (veras, victoriano, villaruz & viola) + iris. hahaha.
8. high school buddies! kays' debut with halo-halo + lola roma & winna! wala nga lang si anna... hmm... busy as ever kasi. haha.
9. anna's debut naman 'to. :) palm three <3! i miss palm three...
10. mad dogs' win! seriously, i will miss this block... :c CA1 pa rin forever!
11. hapee commercial shoot at ateneo. hahaha. laughtrip at kalokohan halos pero masaya. :)
12. eto ang dahilan kung bakit kami pinapalayas sa heart center. hahaha. tsk,tsk. kids-at-heart talaga. pati ospital ginagawang playground. LOOOL!
13. my favorite place in bicol. haha. yung puno ng mangga sa bahay nina lolo. <3 when we visit there, i always have to climb that tree.
14. kyoudai to itoko tachi. haha. (siblings & cousins.) inseparable much?
15. ah, the dog i want~! this is seriously cute in all aspects... even the price is a tad bit too cute as well. Y 1,400,000=P 600000 lang naman kasi ang isa noh? pero this is too cute to ignore! i definitely want one... then i'd put it in a mug too. hahaha. kidding. ang cute talaga. <333!

too sleepy for tagging. haha. anyone who wants to do this may do so. :) & i wanna have that kind of poodle in the future too. @_@

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10:22 PM

CA1 pa rin

finally enrolled and got my schedule for this semester. i'm feeling aloof right now, really. not that i don't care but i think i will fully realize the fact that we've been reshuffled once classes actually begin & i start seeing new faces i am not so familiar with.

i saw meng's entry wherein she put together the schedules of the three CA classes & i decided to organize it a bit since it might come in handy when it comes to meeting other CA1 people from... err, before. i like CA2's schedule, by the way. hahaha.

click to enlarge.

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3:35 PM

2 weeks

enrollment's tomorrow and honestly, i don't want to think too much about it. i just want things to go well. of course, if things don't go as i wish, there's nothing i can do about it... i'll mope. hahaha. whatever will be will be.

daily life status: i'm bored one-thirds of the time; two-thirds of it, i'm watching. i also sleep, and eat twice. haha. but i'm still fat. it must be the chocolates... just looking at the pictures from 4th year, i realized how thin i was. i was much thinner than i am right now (and to think, at this point, i've already gotten thin). what have i been eating all this time?! i have become a glutton!  

i'm gonna digress a bit by bringing this up, but i just remembered what my cousin and i talked about the other day, when they stayed here for the day. i was noticing how she sat down on our wooden arm chair, which led me to notice how i sat... to describe it in a phrase: so unlady-like. haha. sitting too comfortably, according to her, is something normal and i agree with that. i remember my hs days. whenever we'd watch something, i'd put my feet up on the table.

the more i think about it, the more i believe that we can never be demure girls. we are more tomboyish, although we dress girlish-ly with the accessories and all. 'pag sa bahay o kahit sa labas, once we're together we get too comfortable most of the time that we end up being rowdy. i guess that's how we have always been.


i'm quite prepared for the next academic term, but i'm not looking forward to it because... i'm still enjoying the break. haha. i've been out quite a lot this past week so i don't really get that bored anymore. add to that the food. when i'm in school i have the tendency to eat more than i should and it terribly adds too much fat on me.

ah, since nothing much is going on, this is all i can write for today. i just wanted to post an entry. haha. i miss daily blogging.

hm. i wish things go well this academic year. for once, i want my plans to succeed... since i rarely make plans.
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12:13 PM

loong day.

another tiring day yesterday. ~_~

had lunch at zong in trinoma with the victoriano family. we weren't complete, of course, because most of them are in the states now. last time i remember that the entire family was almost complete was during lolo's 80th birthday 10 years ago... i think. we were still dancing macarena on stage that time. hahaha.

how nostalgic.

before we left though, pauline suddenly called me and informed me that they planned a gimmick for the day, which i was obviously uninformed of because i had no phone. ~_~ rawr. hahaha. i thought i wouldn't be able to go with them because i had a family affair to attend to. pero pumunta na lang sila sa trinoma kasi sabi ko andun ako. haha. awww. eww. hahaha.


after the lunch camille, goldie and i walked around trinoma but ended up not buying anything because we couldn't decide. ~_ ~ aby was able to buy la corda d' oro volume 2 though. after strolling around trinoma for almost 4 hours, i left them and went to the movie area to meet up with pauline, roma, kays, anca and kat-kat.

antok na ako nung time na 'yun though... i mean, having stayed at the mall for almost 7 hours, one'd get really tired. haha. but i managed to watch indiana jones without falling asleep. it was actually a nice movie. <3 dinner at the food court afterwards. i only ate sushi because... haha. i've had too much food already.

anca and kat-kat left ahead of us. we went with pauline to wait for her sundo, then kays, roma and i went to sm north to get a ride. by that time, it was already 9pm. lol. ika nga ni lola, ako ang nagbukas ng trinoma, ako rin ang nagsara ng trinoma. ~_~ loool.

it was so fun. sa uulitin. <3
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11:19 PM

kababawan + sugar overdose

ah! sugar rush! the internet's back! and more sugar rush!
(i had too much sugar intake this evening. now i'm all hyperactive.)

&;; i've been hearing so much of tita tessie and tita yolie's american accent. i wanna have that american-ish accent again... well, not that i ever had one but i was so close to having one. ugh.

&;; hmm.. enrollment in a few days. ^_^ and uh... my skin's peeling off. ew. O_o

&;; ah... got an interesting book as well. tito jesse (father's cousin; the father of the 2nd cousin in ust) gave us a copy of the book he wrote: "brass tacks: inside the mind of a bureaucrat" by jesse a. obligacion. (ah, in doing this, i fear they'll find this little blog of mine later on. ~_~) i'v read parts of it, but politics isn't really in my mind right now so.. meh. i might read it for debate though.

&;; one reason why i refuse to become a lawyer. i'm a coward, yes.

&;; visited lolo's urn at st. peter's chapel. when lola honey was being cremated, i remembered lolo all of a sudden. plus, seeing lolo bonding added to the nostalgia because they look so much alike. reminiscing about the past reminded me of something my cousins and i would usually do during christmas and new year (or every time we'd stay late at lolo's)... just shortly before we leave, my cousins and i would go straight to lolo's room and lie down. 'pag hinanap na kami, we'd pretend to sleep and then refuse to wake up no matter how hard they try until they give up and go home. tapos pag nakaalis na sila, gigising na kami. hahaha. we loved sleeping there. i miss it.

&;; anyway, all these talks about eh... the end of life, so to speak, is badly stirring up my anxiety. hello, anxiety attacks! feel free to engulf me... NOT.

i need a distraction... now! something to keep my mind busy so i'd stop imagining stupid things.

i'm still in a sugar high. ~_~
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1:38 AM

random babble

tsukarettaaa. what a tiring day. ~_~

i wasn't able to watch either last friends or himitsu no arashi-chan yesternight! T_T and i think i missed out a lot on the recent last friends episode. (sousuke dies?! finally? eh!) quietly hoping my internet connection (which i desperately tried to fix this morning) would go faster because torrent speed is as low as 20-ish kb/s & clubbox is not moving at all. TT_TT

anyway, just came from lola honey's wake. i was there the entire night, and yeah... it's a bit sad even though i never really got the chance to get close to her. she's actually my lolo's brother's wife. hehe. but still... i met my second cousin though, the one my mother has been telling me to look for because he's also in ust studying polsci & an incoming 2nd year. not that we actually talked though. haha. naghahabulan at nagpapaluan lang kami ni camille sa loob ng chapel the entire time, while goldie tried to reconstruct mona lisa in tita cacar's new phone. (bawal talaga malungkot samin. haha. such a solemn event and we're making harutan all over the place. we're children like that. O_o *pardon the conyoness. i'm sleepy*)

i have to start studying as well. goldie & i planned to review together this sunday (huh, isang araw lang?!) for her mock acet and my qualifying exam. ugh. well, i hope i pass. if i do & if circumstances allow it, i have one more sem as a ca student, then i'm off to eng'g. and i won't deny, i can't wait to shift. ^_^ just because it gets me closer to my goal & it pleases my parents so much (& i can actually envision a future for myself as an engineer). it would seriously make life easier for me in the future so i don't mind enduring for just a little bit more. downside: five more years of studying starting from this school year~! oh well. that's just how it is. i'll still be young by then so it doesn't matter. taking up law would be just as long anyway. (and i wouldn't take law even if nobody else continues the victoriano lineage of law people.)

i seriously wish i pass. gosh, i'd go insane if i didn't.

i wanna watch zettai kareshi episode 6 right now! *squeeees endlessly* night gives up riiko to soushi? ah, my heart is all kyun-kyun just seeing that... i'm all doki-doki just thinking about it. kyaa~.

i better sleep.

lola honey's cremation is early this morning. O_o reminds me of lolo's wake and cremation... and that silly blooper camille & i committed in front of many big-shot law people during our little speech. now that i think about it, it's so embarrassing... but funny nonetheless. haha.

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3:11 PM




"...sousuke to iru to ne, jibun ga dondon kunakunatte iku kanji ga shita no. itsumo jibun yori, sousuke no kimochi o yuusen shite kita. sou suru to ne, jibun ga ima, nani o kanjite iru no ka, nani ga suki de, nani ga kirai ga, honto wa nani ga shitai no ka, sou iu koto ga, wakaranakunatte iku no."

"when i was with sousuke, it felt like i was gradually losing myself. i always gave priority to sousuke's feelings rather than my own. doing that, what am i feeling right now, what do i like, what do i hate, what would i really like to do? i end up not knowing such things."

 -michiru from last friends

transcript from drama note; kanji reading with the help of rikaichan; english translations from suketeru's subs; from the drama last friends.

have you ever felt that way? when you slowly and gradually lose yourself to the point of not knowing what you want to do, what you truly feel, and you can't even point out what you truly like and dislike. manipulated to the point of having a dependency that clouds your judgment because you feel that the other person is more knowledgeable, while you are a mere nobody.

you become dependent on the other people who you think (and force you to think) that they are better than you, hence you end up valuing their opinions over yours. because of the countless mistakes you've gone through and endless scrutiny you've received, you feel that their decisions will always be better than yours. you live your life that way to the point that you become indecisive... until you completely lose the ability to decide for yourself lest you fail once again and get harshly criticized... until you begin to fear taking a step forward because you fear failing, so you depend on others' decisions so that if you fail, you can pass on the blame to someone else and spare yourself from the criticism and blame.

but in doing so, you still are a failure because as you grow up, you need to start deciding for you own. unfortunately, you can no longer do so because you have lost the capability to decide. you wait until someone decides for you, but sooner or later no one will do that for you. you start feeling helpless and sorry for yourself for being such.

once in a while, they will feel sorry for you too, and will decide to help you. you follow them, of course, because you somehow need to pull yourself together; you need to stand up once again. but when that suggestion doesn't work out, you stop feeling sorry for yourself and start being optimistic. however, while you are comforting yourself, hoping that things will be better, you get pushed back down. you get told that you better not regret things in the future. and you start feeling all depressed again to the point that you cannot imagine any future for yourself, and think about how it would be much easier for you if the prophetical end of the world happened right at that moment.

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