there are so many things i don't understand right now. the things happening right now are way beyond my control and i don't understand them--simple things, complicated things...
just yesterday, i was nearly crying in the car and forcing myself to stop. of course, i couldn't let anyone see me like that. it's not a matter of weakness for me, it's my pride. and no amount of tears would change anything under this circumstance.
i've been fine since then. but this time, somebody else is crying. i don't even know what i am supposed to do to ease the tension or something. something about seeing that familiar situation happening to someone else shocked me, and all i can do is ask "why?" "why this?" "why now?" "i'm supposed to be the one doing that!" i'm useless.
in my grade school days i was the kind of person to talk back and fight when poked. i don't care who it is as long as i get to defend myself. but since then, i have learned to contain myself. i have learned to be stoic and nonchalant. i would answer, but there's a limit to what i can say... because, i am a mere nobody. i'd laugh things off when i get hurt; i'd stay quiet when i'm being put down; i don't fight back. i've become a good girl haven't i? is this not good enough?
for many times i have been asked "do you enjoy making your siblings cry?" when i was younger. but i don't do that anymore, do i? sometimes, i want to ask back, "do you enjoy putting people down so much, that you do it to me all the time?" "is it so fun to make people feel like they are hopeless?"
i am no adult. stop trying to make me act like one, when i still can't do it properly. it hurts knowing that there won't be anyone helping you when you fall down. it hurts to feel hopeless and helpless all the time because you've been belittled so much.
i am trying my best to laugh when i get hurt. mada kizuitenai no?
even now, i cannot let anyone hear my agony. i cannot let anyone notice my tears. i just can't. because they won't understand. knowing about psychology without knowing how to use the knowledge properly is the worst thing i can imagine of it. i may not know any psychology, but i can empathize with other people. and i'd rather have it that way.
a year ago, i came to a resolution that i will never become such a person. sad to say, until now that holds true... and that aversion towards such people only grew stronger over time.
and of all things to happen today, why this? crap, i don't know what happened to my phone but it's now asking for my puk and i have no clue as to what it effing is! i've had that number for 7 or so years now. i hate this! this is what i hate about kindness. you lend someone something and they don't know how to take care of it. to top it all off, they abuse the kindness. for four days i did not have my phone because it was borrowed. akala ko naman sandali lang, inabot ng isang araw, di pa binabalik. sabi bukas, yung bukas naging kahapon.
i'm not the kind of person to tell you when to return what you borrowed because you should know when to return it. when you borrow something, you trouble the other person. at the very least, you should realize that you're troubling the other person by borrowing something that he/she is still using.
dammit. is there any way to fix this? crap. i can't lose that number now. changing is too troublesome. i'm desperate. haha.