ラスト・フレンズの美知留って言った。"...sousuke to iru to ne, jibun ga dondon kunakunatte iku kanji ga shita no. itsumo jibun yori, sousuke no kimochi o yuusen shite kita. sou suru to ne, jibun ga ima, nani o kanjite iru no ka, nani ga suki de, nani ga kirai ga, honto wa nani ga shitai no ka, sou iu koto ga, wakaranakunatte iku no."
"when i was with sousuke, it felt like i was gradually losing myself. i always gave priority to sousuke's feelings rather than my own. doing that, what am i feeling right now, what do i like, what do i hate, what would i really like to do? i end up not knowing such things."
-michiru from last friendstranscript from drama note; kanji reading with the help of rikaichan; english translations from suketeru's subs; from the drama last friends.
have you ever felt that way? when you slowly and gradually lose yourself to the point of not knowing what you want to do, what you truly feel, and you can't even point out what you truly like and dislike. manipulated to the point of having a dependency that clouds your judgment because you feel that the other person is more knowledgeable, while you are a mere nobody.
you become dependent on the other people who you think (and force you to think) that they are better than you, hence you end up valuing their opinions over yours. because of the countless mistakes you've gone through and endless scrutiny you've received, you feel that their decisions will always be better than yours. you live your life that way to the point that you become indecisive... until you completely lose the ability to decide for yourself lest you fail once again and get harshly criticized... until you begin to fear taking a step forward because you fear failing, so you depend on others' decisions so that if you fail, you can pass on the blame to someone else and spare yourself from the criticism and blame.
but in doing so, you still are a failure because as you grow up, you need to start deciding for you own. unfortunately, you can no longer do so because you have lost the capability to decide. you wait until someone decides for you, but sooner or later no one will do that for you. you start feeling helpless and sorry for yourself for being such.
once in a while, they will feel sorry for you too, and will decide to help you. you follow them, of course, because you somehow need to pull yourself together; you need to stand up once again. but when that suggestion doesn't work out, you stop feeling sorry for yourself and start being optimistic. however, while you are comforting yourself, hoping that things will be better, you get pushed back down. you get told that you better not regret things in the future. and you start feeling all depressed again to the point that you cannot imagine any future for yourself, and think about how it would be much easier for you if the prophetical end of the world happened right at that moment.
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Posted by Point Blank:
I've felt those thing and until now, I'm still committing those acts... I'm so a failure.. haha.. Even though I stated on my last blog that I won't rely on someone anymore... I just can't help myself.. I still rely on that someone.. haha.. =]