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12.24.09

12:44 AM

tadaima?

i miss making kwento in this blog!

(now, i'm pretty sure that phrase will hurt the ears of many people... assuming that there are still people who are unfortunate enough to stumble in this blog of mine.)

it's been a long while since i was last here. if i remember correctly, i left this blog june last year and transferred to livejournal because of the perks of privacy and unrestricted downloading it allowed me. i can't say i was really happy or sad with that decision. it just happened. i can't say i regretted leaving this blog for livejournal because i felt that it had to happen... somehow. i do find the fact that i left this blog after making 555 posts in here rather amazing. (no, that wasn't intentional.) and if you'd ask me why, i'd be compelled to expose my geeky side, but who cares? according to numerology, 555 means change. if you can't find the connection i'm trying to draw out, go look for your brain first.

ah. i miss this freedom of speech. this feels so... me. but before i even end up being charged with libel or whatnot, i'll keep a check on this frank and tactless way of putting things. hahaha.

i missed this blog despite its clear lack of aesthetic design. this is the blog which started it all for me, and i guess i will always have an attachment for everything that bears great meaning for me. this is the blog where i poured out all my raw and honest emotions, pure intellectual musings, and random thoughts without even giving a single damn about what crap anyone might say about them. *smirks*

i remember being bashed for my thoughts before, but yeah. i just ignored them and carried on with my musings. i couldn't do that with my other blogs. all the conformity and fitting in is probably what suffocated me the most and here is where i feel most at home when it comes to sharing my thoughts. yeah, yeah. i am and will always be a non-conformist. fads creep the hell out of me, though i can tolerate them to some extent. i don't really like it when society defines how things are for me because i am very much capable of understanding and making sense out of things from my own subjective little way.

when it comes down to it, this blog served as my best non-living friend for almost four years. it endured my numerous moments of childishness and stupidity, my never ending bouts of rants, my nose-bleed inducing reflections, my artworks and what have you. thank you, my dear bravejournal. <3

speaking of raw of honest thoughts and emotions, the past year was very unkind towards me. it spared me no mercy when it comes to feeling emotions, except for a time when my grades were soaring high, i wish the happiness it brought me lasted forever. but as i said regarding the moving of journals, i just feel that it was meant to happen. there is just one question bugging me endlessly, and that would be, "why?"

unlike computers and internet sites (which served as my companion throughout childhood), people are more complex and unpredictable. (and i talk as if i am not a human. haha.) i can't even begin to explain everything that happened thus far, neither can i begin to imagine what might happen in the future. all i know is that i'm always clinging on to uncertainties, conveniently called hope, and praying for miracles to happen each day; for things to go smoothly and for the day to become better than the last one.

true enough, what i predicted a few months ago about my last year in college became true.

"Personally, I feel that the journey has just begun and much more will happen during our 4th and last year as CA students. Much more will happen most especially for me since I'm a Pandora's box that's just been opened." march 20, 2009, link

i guess those things are beyond my comprehension, and being the rational creature that i am, i can't even begin to make sense of everything that has happened. i was so used to being on my own and not minding other people that when the time came that i had to stop being 'on my own', i just didn't know what to do. i am a wallflower personified.

nonetheless, i'm completely grateful for everything that has happened because i think i am gaining something really worth all those rough times. and before things begin to change once again, let me have this opportunity to say thank you very very much. you probably don't know how much i appreciate everything because i tend to show the opposite of what i truly feel, but i really do. and i don't even know why i do that. i haven't been honest with myself lately. and... there's so much to say that i don't even know what to say anymore so i'll leave it at that for now. i hope you know who you are. c:  


aaah, my insomniac tendencies are beginning to kick in once more. lol.  i better sleep. tonight is christmas eve already! a very merry christmas to all!

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